Wednesday, February 9, 2011

You know you're German if...

You know you're German if...

1. You separate your trash into more than five different bins.
2. Your front door has a sign with your family name made from salt dough.
3. You carry a "4You" backpack.
4. You eat a cold dinner at 6pm.
5. You call your cell phone "handy" and a projector "beamer".
6. You have no problems with nude beaches and saunas.
7. You have asked your Asian-American friend, "No, but where are you *really* from?"
8. You have gotten splinters from environmentally friendly toilet paper.
9. You call an afternoon stroll "Nordic Walking".
10. You are shocked when you have to pay for dental care.
11. You own a pair of jeans in a color other than blue.
12. People start talking about Hitler and Hofbräuhaus when you tell them where you're from.
13. Tenth grade was all about dancing lessons.
14. You work 35 hour weeks and have 6 weeks of vacation a year, but complain about hard times.
15. Your childhood diet consisted of Alete and Zwieback.
16. Your college diet consisted of Miracoli and Döner.
17. You were educated about sex by Dr. Sommer.
18. You yell at people for jaywalking. (that's crossing the pelican crossing on red for us Europeans!)
19. You grew up watching "Löwenzahn" and "Die Sendung mit der Maus". And Baywatch - I've been looking for freedom!
20. You think college tuition is an outrage.
21. You routinely go 100mph on the highway and tailgate heavily.
22. On your last day of high school you made your teachers sing Karaoke and jump through hoops.
23. You wear brown leather shoes.
24. Your first audio tape was Benjamin Blümchen and Bibi Blocksberg.
25. You have ended an English sentence with "..., or?".
26. You can tell at least one Manta joke.
27. You're a college student in your 11th year.
28. Your first sexual experience was on SAT-1, Saturday night at 11pm.
29. ... if you drill in your nose!
30. You expect chocolate in your shoes on December 6th.
31. You complain that in other countries everything is dirty.
32. We are used to men getting drunk every Ascsenion Day (Himmelfahrt or rather "Männertag")
33. if you get up at 6 in the morning to reserve your sunbed with a towel and then go back to sleep till later.
34. You spent hours in school learning to pronounce "th".
35. ... taxi drivers drive Mercedes and the police on the Autobahn drive BMWs.
36. ... if you go to school in a gymnasium.
37. ... if your American spouse comments: "you recycle everything, even your hair. Why? Is this necessary?" After you donate your hair to Locks of Love and clothes to Goodwill and drive to the local recycling center to recycle paper, plastics, metals, glasses, stop at Batteries Plus to recycle batteries, and walk to Rapid Refill to recycle empty ink cartridges and save fuel. You respond with "I can't help it I'm German," and then your shocked spouse starts recycling!
38. ... if you spend the summer at the "Baggersee".
39. ... if you say PorschE, not Porsh!
40a. ... if you freak out at the fact that Canadians/ Americans/ Brits use margarine for EVERYTHING... or SALTED BUTTER! For cooking! For BAKING! ON BREAD WITH NUTELLA!
40b. ... if ich ständig Nutella Brote verdrücke - I can't get enough Nutella sandwiches.
41. ... if you always have a pack of TEMPOS on you.
42. ... if you watch "Der 90.Geburstag - Dinner for One" on New Year's Eve every year and can still laugh about it.
43. ... if you burst into tears of happiness when you find that the Lidl markets in the UK sell Fleischsalat, not forgetting Salami, German yoghurts, German bread mix and so on!
44. ... if you believe that wooden toys are educationally superior
45. ... if you think there is nothing wrong with dark brown tiles in your bathroom.
46. ... if you know who Jim Knopf and Urmel are.
47. ... if you don't use anything but the finest Diddl Maus stationery
48. ... if you have guests coming and everything must be cleaned so it is pikabello sauber....even though it already was
49. ... if there is no such thing as BBQ only grillen
50. ... if there is only one Rudi Voeller
51. ... if the cold evening meal is eaten off wooden boards not plates.
52. ... if you are looking for the "esszett" i.e. ß on your keyboard
53. ... if you know what Das Sandmännchen is.
54. ... if you understand the following -
I understand only railwaystation
Heaven, arse and thread!
Us runs the water in the mouth together.
Human being Meier!
My dear Mister singing-club!
55. ... if you can identify with movies like: Die Fetten Jahre sind vorbei, Sonnenallee, Good Bye Lenin...
56. ... if you have been tortured with "Kabale und Liebe" during your Abitur.
57. ... if you always fold your Tetra Pak before you throw it in the appropriate bin.
58a. ... if most, if not all, of your childhood songs were by "Rolf Zuckowski und seine Kinder"
58b. ... if you learned all about traffic safety through songs by Rolf Zuckowski
59. ... if you eat raw pork with raw egg mmmh, lécker Hackepeter ;)
60. ... if you do gifts on Christmas Eve - the proper way. Or is it just the Brits, US Americans, Canadians etc. that don't do it the proper way? Most European countries do!
61. ... if everybody calls you "zee german" and thinks that you LOVE sauerkraut and sausages... then you are german :PP
62. ... if you think you have less public holidays than other countries when in fact you have more!
63. ... if you own a David Hasselhoff tape
64. ... if you just don't get baseball and think it's boring
65. ... if you serve/ make a pasta salad for every occasion.
66. ... if you speak English but the German way...even when it sounds strange e.g. 'everything in order by you?'
... becoz order is so important! OR "I made the laundry"
67. ... if you only drink Sprudel Wasser and you add it to every other liquid you drink and call it Schorle!
68. ... if you like to eat your french fries with mayonaise and are revolted by the thought of vinegar on them.
69. ... if you keep going on about the ear worm that you currently have and people look at you like you have some tropical disease.
70. ... if you think stores are closed on Sundays apart from the local railway station store
71. ... if you confuse your "if" and "when".... ;-)
72. ... if you watched GZSZ or Marienhof as a teenager.
73. ... if (when living in the UK) you have to have satellite TV to watch all those German programmes e.g. Wetten Dass and Tatort!
74. ... if you cringe when you hear the English version of 99 Luftballons - 99 Red Balloons.
75. ... if you say: "hier sieht's aus wie bei Hempels unterm Sofa"
76. ... if the concept of small talk still puzzles you
77. ... if you laugh when other people get hurt, because Schadenfreude ist die schönste Freude
78. ... if you’re the only one recycling not just bottles and cans but also light bulbs, water filters, batteries, printer cartridges …
79. ... if you don't understand the joke "Don't mention the War"
80. ... if you reuse the plastic bags from the supermarket for your rubbish
81. ... if being on time means 15 minutes earlier to you
82. ... if you actually understand the lyrics of Rammstein and the double meanings
83a. ... if you know German bands like Tokio Hotel who are breaking around the world incl. the USA
83b. ... if you know who Heino is (and Hannelore - his wife)
84. ... if you wonder why all those people are standing waiting in line when it's easier to walk straight to the front
85. ... if you do not understand why your German ID with your address is not good enough to open a US bank account but your water bill is
86. ... if you find it strange that Nov 11 is Remembrance Day (UK) and noone is cutting guys' ties
87a. ... if you advise others to park their cars so that exhausts face the road so as to protect buildings from the fumes
87b. ... if you complain about people that just sit in their car with the engine running
87c. ... if you switch off your car at the traffic lights
88. ...if you just can't stand the taste of Marmite
89. ... if you can't stand the sloppy white British/ American bread - the one where you try to spread your Nutella and it falls apart!
90. ... if you have 2 different types of toothpaste, one for the morning and one for the evening e.g. Elmex/ Aronal made by the Swiss company GABA ;-)
91. ... (native German) if you have absolutely no idea who the von Trapp family are and you can't sing along to any of the Sound of Music film songs.
92. ... if you smash plates (yes the Greeks do it too) and saw logs a wedding
93. ... if nuts & raisins are something that only German students are meant to eat (Studentenfutter)
94. ... if you have a compulsive feeling to correct things that are wrong - Ordnung muß sein!
95. ... if you still differentiate between West Germans and East Germans (Wessis & Ossis) after xx years of reunification
96. ... if you watched "Brummkreisel" and the Czech version of "Aschenbroedel" on GDR1 and GDR2 even though you lived in the West
97. ... if you know who the Kelly Family are.
98. ... if greet everyone in a doctors' waiting room with a friendly "Guten Tag!"
99. ... if you always complain about Dutch caravans on German "Autobahnen"
100. ... if you can't laugh at British humour e.g. Fawlty Towers
101. ... if you go to the pictures, the cinema/ theater is empty but you still look where your assigned seat is - even if it's the left-most seat in the front row
102. ... if you are queuing for bread rolls at 6am in the morning whilst on holiday ... on the other hand:
102a. ... if you refuse to stand at the back of a queue!
103. ... if you own a bicycle that brakes when you try to peddle backwards
104. ... if you know at least 15 different ways to cook potatoes
105. ... if you are really upset when the Deutsche Bahn is yet again 5 minutes late
106. ... if you feel uncomfortable saying "you" to adults in English classes.
107. ... if you're the only one knocking on your desk after a lecture to show your appreciation while everyone else stares at you.
108. ... if you switch the light off when you leave a room, (much to the dismay of your British flatmates).
109. ... if, in the UK, Australia and other countries where they drive on the left, you attempt to get into the driver's side when someone has offered you a lift/ ride.
110. ... if you wish every person around you "Mahlzeit" at mealtimes.
111. ... if you have a sense of guilt/ shame when you say that you are proud to be German - you shouldn't have!
112. ... if you don't cross your fingers but "press your thumbs"
113. ... A LONG ONE! ... .. if your CV/ resume is a book that consists not only your previous work experience, but also your last 3 report cards, all of your previous job report cards, what your mother and father do for a living (not to mention what your siblings do and whether they're single, married, etc.), a photo of yourself (if not a couple), your religious beliefs, and ... the list goes on!
114. ... if you know the Knigge way of how to eat "correctly" with your knife and fork
115. ...if, when in Chile, you freak out when you find Lakritz and Ritter Sport in the local pharmacy
116. ...if the sentence "you can say you to me" makes perfect sense to you.
117. ... if you have a blue eye instead of a black eye.
118. ... if you love your Apfelschorle
119. ... if you grew up playing "Mensch Ärgere Dich Nicht"
120. ...if you ask whether there is anything left to do at work, and your collegues stare at you, simply because you can't stand being idle.
121. ...if, when you were a kid, oh so long ago, you used to pay for your "Waldmeisterbechereis" with 6 Groschen.
122. ... if you clap when your plane lands.
123. ... if, when in the UK, you get goosebumps on a cold day when all around are wearing shorts and t-shirts...
124. ... if you grew up drinking Malzbier
125. ... if you always park your car in the direction you are driving - Ordnung muß sein!
126. ... if you write your Nouns with capital Letters when writing in english... and your Nationalities and Languages beginning with a small letter!
127. ... if you say "Guten Appetit" before lunch and dinner, but NEVER before breakfast (ever noticed?)^
128. ... if it's your birthday and YOU are paying for the drinks!
129. ... if you answer the phone by identifying yourself with your surname rather than just "hello"
130. ... if you have 2 sets of tyres for your car, one for the summer and one for winter.
131. ... if you can't laugh at yourself.
132. ... if you have this overwhelming urge to sweep the street or the pavement/ sidewalk outside your house.
133. ... if (2 for the price of 1!) you know that all men are swine AND you know that Anton is from Tirol
134. ... if you miss your Weihnachtspyramide, Schwippbogen, Herrnhuter Stern etc.
135. ... if, when you're in the UK, you whinge about
- dual taps
- single glazed windows
- carpeted bathroom floors
- those silly levers that give you a whole lower arm workout just to flush the toilet
- that even with the 24h law most pubs shut at 2am
136. ... if you think putting milk in your tea is abnormal
137. ... if you know who the Mainzelmännchen are
138. ... if you are NOT allowed to: hang your washing out on a Sunday, wash your own car using detergents.
139. ... if you get a Zuckertüte on your first day of school
140. ... if you wait for the pedestrian light to turn green before you cross the road for fear of being fined!
141. ... if the English words 'peddle', 'paddle', 'puddle' and 'piddle' confuse you when you hear them!
142. ... if you're horrified when someone wishes you happy birthday in advance
143. ....if you think all houses should have wooden/PVC roller shutters (Außen-Jalousie) so it´s nice and dark in your bedroom even in daytime & rain isn´t so noisy on the window you have to turn up the volume of your TV to watch your favourite "Tatort"!!!

... and you can laugh at THIS picture ...

)O(  Micha

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